Three's A Crowd
by Steve61
Summary: Smart and Siegfried are captured by a third spy organization intent on eliminating both CONTROL and KAOS.


Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86, surveyed the crowded bus station, in search of the enigmatic undercover spy known only as 'Vejiga Del Mono**'**. Vejiga was so deeply undercover that nobody at CONTROL knew what he looked like, and he rarely revealed himself to the American spy agency or the CIA, or even his paper boy.

This would be one of those times.

Max had very little to go on, other than Vejiga Del Mono was male and roughly ten years older than Smart, himself.

"Great. That narrows down my number of choices to just 61 out of 80 people here," Max groaned to himself. It seemed as if every middle-aged gentleman in this bus station in Trenton, New Jersey was planning on taking a trip, and any number of them could have been Vejiga in disguise.

There was the suspicious-looking man with thick horn-rimmed glasses sipping from a coffee cup that looked empty.

There was a man wearing a heavy winter coat over a lumberjack outfit, even though it was the middle of June, and there was probably very little call for lumberjacks in Trenton!

There was the guy who was reading a book called 'A Catcher In The Rye'...a signal that he wanted a ham and Swiss on rye sandwich, perhaps? If so, Max would have to decode that code for a code that was not coded. Or maybe he wanted a Dry Manhattan, since that had rye, French vermouth, and Grenadine in it? Now what was the CONTROL secret coded word for 'Grenadine'? Max thought it was 'fish cakes', which made little sense, so he kept looking around.

There was another guy smiling at all the other men that came into the station, and who immediately winked at Max with a knowing smile. Max _really _hoped that that was not Vejiga Del Mono! CONTROL didn't pay extra for uncomfortable rendezvouses!

There was the old guy pretending to read the newspaper upside down, when in fact he was actually looking at everyone that came into the station.

There was the guy with the...!

_The old guy pretending to read the newspaper upside down, looking at everyone that came into the station?_

That was his man! It had to be Vejiga! _Nobody _would be caught dead wearing such an ugly tie in public!

Smart casually entered all the way into the bus station, carrying his empty prop suitcase, and trying to appear as if all he wanted was to ride a bus out of town...which was probably true for a lot of these people! He was able to sit on the bench that was propped up on the other side of Vejiga's bench, making the winking man frown with disappointment. Vejiga Del Mono really smelled bad! What a great cover! He had a grizzly fake salt and pepper-colored beard, greasy, unkempt hair, fake age spots painted all over his hands and wrists, and he'd saved a bundle on dry cleaning if the odoriferous stink coming from him was any indication! What a pro! What a genius! What a...lack of attention to detail, when you considered the upside down newspaper! So Max decided to straighten him out.

"Code 16, code 16," Max whispered, offering the secret universal code that meant 'upside down periodical'. The old guy started from suddenly being addressed, then just stared at Max, uncomprehending. Max waved him to look in another direction, so as to not attract attention to the fact that he was talking to Vejiga. "Code 16, sir! Quickly!"

Vejiga shrugged and set the newspaper on his lap, but kept looking around the station, giving Max just one more look over his shoulder, his aged fake face showing embarrassment. Smart nodded to himself, pretending to check his watch as he mumbled,

"Well, you were supposed to turn your newspaper right side up, but on your lap is good enough."

"Upside down?" the old man asked with a gravely voice, exposing a couple missing teeth, adding, "No wonder I couldn't read it! I thought I'd picked up a Chinese newspaper by accident!"

"Look, Vejiga Del Mono, since you understood my coded request, it seems likely that you are who I'm looking for, but we should still follow through with procedure with our code words. I'll begin."

"Ooookee-dokey," Vejiga mumbled in his gravely voice, suspiciously.

"The pigeons have roosted in the attic for months."

Vejiga paused, thinking about that, then replied, "The cat in the hat with the fat rat was not a brat, in fact."

Max squinted at that response, but continued. "The hour hand on the grandfather clock is pointing south."

Vejiga smiled and answered in his gravely voice, "The neighbour's polka-dot dog keeps me awake at night!"

"The taxi cab that brought me here was a bumpy ride."

"The park is where I get my lunch...if the pigeons sit still long enough!"

"'If the pigeons sit...'?" Max repeated. "That's not part of the greeting code!"

"What greeting code?" the old man asked, indignant. "I was telling you what I had for lunch yesterday!"

"Then, you're not Vejiga Del Mono?"

"No. My name's Fred."

"Waitaminute, Fred; how the heck did you respond with all those correct code responses if you're not underground agent Vejiga del Mono? The odds are a million to one that you could do that? It's scientifically impossible for you to get all the responses right word for word!"

'Fred' the homeless guy shrugged his shoulders, and replied, "So's winning the lottery! But people win it, anyways!"

Max had to agree with that, but since Fred was not Vejiga, there was no reason to stick around. He stood up, pulled out his wallet and handed Fred a five dollar bill, making the old man's eyes widen with happiness.

"Five bucks? Thank you, mister, thank you! Now I can eat a normal meal at a normal restaurant! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"

"Actually, the five dollars is for you to spend at the YMCA on a shower, buddy! You _really _stink!"

Smart left the old man who smelled his armpit of his ragged coat, and shrugged with a nod that maybe Smart knew what he was talking about! Sitting on another bench, as far as he could from the smirking man that liked to wink at other men, Smart sat down with his empty suitcase on his lap and waited a few minutes, hoping that Vejiga would approach him, instead of the other way around, but everyone kept their distance. He slowly became aware of a 'psst!' sound behind him that he at first believed was a leaky air pipe, when he gradually began to realize was actually a voice beckoning for his attention...inside a bus station locker! He wasn't expecting back-up from Agent 13, who was always being squeezed inside uncomfortable small compartments, but maybe he had information on the whereabouts of Vejiga Del Mono.

Once more, Max tried to act casual as he left his bench, and leaned against the lockers near the one where he could just see the wide eyes of Agent 13 peering through the grills, and greeted his fellow agent and friend.

"Hey, 13, don't talk, just listen. We have a Code Two-Strikes! Vejiga Del Mono is a no-show at this time, even though I thought it was that homeless guy over there, but it's just Fred. Of course, Vejiga's real name could be 'Fred', but I have it on good authority that that Fred isn't the Fred we want. The rendezvous was supposed to take place at precisely 9:55 am and he's already a couple minutes late. If you don't have an update for me, I'm going to have to report back to the Chief and let him know that we'll have to proceed on schedule without Vejiga's data. It might mean a breach of protocol and put the entire nation in jeopardy but I'm beginning to think that KAOS and Siegfried may have gotten to him. If that's the case, then you'll need to signal the Chief using Code Blue Jay, and he'll know whether or not to follow-up and track down Vejiga Del Mono. I'll stay here for another 10 minutes, but beyond that I'm outta here- that guy over there is making me nervous, especially when he blows a kiss my way! You got all that, 13?"

There was a pause, as the wide eyes stared back at him, before a shaky voice replied, "I...I'm Bob. Who's 'Thirteen'?"

Max looked directly at the eyes through the grill and squinted at them, saying, "Aren't you Agent 13 of CONTROL?"

"No. I'm just Bob Harper, a chartered accountant from Slackwoods, New Jersey!"

"Then what're you doing in a bus locker?"

"My bookie didn't like my accounting! So he and his goons stuffed me in here for revenge!"

Max looked around and noticed that the locker was just three feet tall and less then a foot wide, and was one of a series built into the wall. "Geez, fella, isn't it really uncomfortable in that tight little space?"

"You should see how small my house is in Slackwoods! Heh, heh. Little joke. But, yeah, I was hoping you could call the bus station manager to get me outta here?"

"I think you need the police, not the manager, mister!"

"No-no-no! No cops, okay? I don't think my bookie would approve of that kind of exposure! And come to think of it, neither would I. On second thought...I'm good. Nice meeting you, mister. Have a nice day."

"You can't stay inside there all day! You should get outta there now!"

"Oh, uh, that's okay. I think I'm beginning to feel the circulation return to my right foot. I'm good. Thanks anyway. Seeya."

Max shook his head, and said, "All right, I'm leaving. But just for national security, I'd appreciate it if you didn't repeat anything I told you before."

"You got it, mister. I'm pretty good at keeping secrets!"

Max nodded and sat on his third bench with a sigh, disappointed that his secret meeting with the undercover agent wouldn't go ahead as planned. and if that was the case, then the Chief was probably going to be upset and blame him for its failure! What a crock! He did everything that he was supposed to, and now this egotistical spy with the fancy name of 'Vejiga Del Mono' was going to make him look foolish! He checked his watch, and nearly jumped out of his skin when a deep, threatening voice spoke from behind him, sounding angry.

"The pigeons have roosted in the attic for months!"

Max found the anger in the baritone voice intimidating, but he played his part, responding with the second half of the coded greeting that Fred the Homeless Guy had somehow gotten right minutes before. "The cat in the hat with the rat was not a brat, in fact."

"The hour hand on the grandfather clock is pointing south!"

"Er, the neighbor's polka-dot dog keeps me awake at night."

"The taxi cab that brought me here was a bumpy ride," Vejiga growled murderously, sounding like the scariest Frankenstein-sized giant of a man.

"The, uh, zebra is not a fish in the Bronx Zoo," Max replied, using the correct final sentence, unlike Fred who liked to eat pigeons for lunch!

"You're Agent 86, I presume?"  
"Yes."  
"Good. I'm Vejiga Del Mono. You can look at me now."

"Oh, uh, ya know, that's okay. I like this view of the wall. The pee stain on it reminds me of a Picasso!" Max replied, nervously.

"_I said_...you can look at me, 86!" Vejiga growled, threateningly, a strong hand plopping down on his shoulder and squeezing it with the force of a vice. Max braced himself, and slowly looked around, preparing himself for the worst. "Hello, cutey! I thought you'd never notice me!" Vejiga replied with a girly, giggly voice. Max backed away, confused. It was the silly guy that kept winking at him and blowing kisses his way!

"_You're Vejiga Del Mono?_ Where's the big strong monster that was just talking to me?"  
"You mean this guy?" Vejiga growled in the voice that sounded like what Godzilla would sound like if the giant Japanese monster could speak. He smiled and returned to his light, lilting effeminate voice. "Trust me, brown eyes, it comes in handy on the phone to be able to change my voice like that! And the waterfront on Friday nights!'

Max rolled his eyes, and said, "Vejiga, you're supposed to be undercover! Practically half the station noticed you making passes at me! And the hippie over there, too!"

"So sue me! I like the clean-cut look, but I'm also into the shaggy, with-it crowd!"

"Okay, okay, enough of that! I'm not your type, anyhow!"

Vejiga gasped, indignant. "What's that supposed to mean! How can you be such a meany?"  
"I just mean that I'm a CONTROL agent and you're a freelancer! It'll never work out! 95 % of CONTROL agents that hooked up with CIA and IMF agents ended up breaking up by the third date! But don't worry, Vejiga, I'm sure the right boy will come along one day."

"You're very kind, 86."

"Thanks. That's what all the guys at the steam baths say." When Vejiga's eyes lit up, Max shook his head and said, "Now cut that out! It's just a CONTROL steam bath where the guys and I let it all hang out and we compare dossiers!" When Vejiga Del Mono kept staring at him, Max added, "_And talk about girls and chicks and wives and such._ And sports! _ Lots of sports!_ And cars, too! Cars and our tools! Hammers, screwdrivers-"

"Are you sure you're not some guy just trying to pick me up?" Vejiga asked, smirking

"Yes, I'm sure! Now, let's just get down to business, willya?"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

_"FIIINE!"_ Vejiga growled in that scary voice, making Max twitch. "Sorry."

Max dusted himself off, and replied, "That's okay. So what do you have, Vejiga"

"Actually, before we begin, I think I should tell you that I'm renaming myself 'The Revenger'. I'm not calling myself 'Vejiga Del Mono' anymore."

"Why not?"

"It was an alias I picked up during a mission in Spain last year, and it was given to me by an informant who was trying to give me a name that would allow me to meld in with everyone else with Spanish names."

"So?" Max asked.

"Do you realize what 'Vejiga Del Mono' means when translated into English?" Max shook his head. "'Monkey bladder'! _Monkey bladder,_ can you believe it! I think that stupid informant was trying to get me killed...or laughed at, at least!"

"Okay, okay, so what have you got for me The Revenger?"

"Just 'Revenger' will do. You don't need to address me personally with the word 'The' at the beginning."

"Oh."

"It's like me saying, 'How about a drink after work, the Agent 86'?"

"Right, I see. Okay."

"You will have a drink?" the Revenger's eyes lit up.

_"_Nooo! I mean I won't call you 'The Revenger', just 'Revenger'. Look, can we just finish this? What information have you got for CONTROL, Revenger Monkey? Uh, Bladder Revenge? Revenger Bladder? Del Mono Monkey-"

The Revenger held up a hand to stop 86's babbling, then looked around to the left then the right, then the left, then the right. He even looked under the bench before he waved Max in closer to whisper in his ear, "L."

Smart waited for more, but when all he heard was the hustle and bustle of the bus station, he squinted and repeated, 'L'? 'L what?" When The Revenger didn't answer him, Max looked over his shoulder and asked irritably, "You have to give me more than just the twelfth letter of the alphab-!"

The Revenger was gone.

Max looked everywhere, and hurried over to the lockers, and asked the wide eyes inside, "Bob! Hey, Bob, did you happen to notice a wimpy-looking guy with a deep voice and a winking eye come by here? I was just talking to him but he just left in thin air!"

"My-my name's Frank!"

"I thought you told me your name was 'Bob'?" Max asked.

"I'm Bob. I'm in this locker! Hello, again!"

"Bob?" Max asked, taking a couple more steps to the left to look at Bob's wide eyes peering out of the locker beside the one with 'Frank' in it. "I thought you were the only one stuffed inside a bus locker here?"  
"I was! While you were gone my bookie shoved my brother, Frank, into the locker beside me!"

"Hi! I'm Frank Harper! Nice to meet you!" the second set of eyes greeted.

"What're you doing in a locker next to your brother Bob? Are you dealing with the same bookie?"  
"Oh, no, not at all. I asked my boss for a raise and he turned me down, and got Jack from the loading dock to stick me in here!"

"Wow! I had no idea Trenton was so dangerous!" Max mused aloud.

"Tell me about it!" Bob and Frank replied in unison. Then Frank added, "Heyyy! Wait a minute here! What bookie? Bob? You told me you were finished gambling?"  
"I said I was done gambling with cards! I didn't say anything about the horses!"

"Oh, for goodness sakes! Bob, it's just like you to pick your words in such a way as to cover your tracks and-"

"Oh, yeah, big man, big man! Look at me! I'm important and deserve a raise! Make me richer than my brother Bob!" Bob mocked.

"I deserve a raise! I been there three years without an increase!"

"So form a union!" his brother snapped.

"A union guy stuck me in this locker! You think I want to be just like him?"  
"Guys, guys, guys!" Max snapped, knocking on both lockers loud enough to make them rattle and echo metallically inside.

"Aaarrrgh! OWWW!" Bob whined.

"Heyyy! Don't do that! It's a lot louder in here, ya know!" Frank complained.

'Sorry about that, guys. This is important, however- nether one of you saw which way the guy I was talking to went? It's a matter of national security!"

"I saw nothing," Bob admitted.

"Spoken like a true buddy of a bookie, Bob!" Frank sneered. "And I already said I didn't see anybody!"

"Bet you didn't see this locker-stuffing coming either, eh, big man?" his brother mocked.

"Why I oughta-! Just you wait until I get outta here!"

"Oh, yeah? You and what locksmith? You're just annoyed that Mom liked me more!"

"Did not!"

"Did, too!"

"Did not!"

'Didtoodidtoodidtoo!" Frank whined.

Max rolled his eyes and left the family feud to play out without him.

Max found himself in the Chief's office a few hours later, accompanied by Agent 99, who was looking lovely as ever in an outfit that consisted of a pink jacket and black skirt and stylish shoes. It never ceased to amaze Max how many outfits 99 wore to work, and wondered many a time whether or not that was part of her CONTROL pay check, or part of the budget offered by Washington? He suspected a little of both, especially that stripy-skirt she wore on their last mission together, since what possible use would 99 have for a skirt that turns into a parachute during her civilian, off-duty hours?

He hoped she'd never ask about his CONTROL-issue boxer shorts and what special secret agent function they could perform!

Obviously, and for good reason, the Chief was annoyed at the unsuccessful rendezvous with the enigmatic Vejiga Del Mono/The Revenger, but at least 99 looked on with sympathy.

"I tell you, Chief, that that is all Vejiga Del Mono said to me. Oh, and he wants to change his name"

"What did he say, Max?" 99 asked.

The CONTROL agent shifted uncomfortably in his chair, and leaned towards the Chief on the other side of the desk and whispered, "Should we include 99 in on this, Chief? After all it was my secret mission and mine alone."

"I should think her input would be valuable," the deep-voiced Chief replied.

"Uh, yeah, but still, Chief, there are certain things still on a need-to-know basis-"

"Max..." the Chief sighed, already knowing where this was going.

"-And although I'd trust 99 with my life, you got to draw the line somewhere."

"Thanks, Max," 99 smiled, then thought about it, and her face fell slightly. "I think."

"Where are you going with this, Max? As if I need to ask..."

"I think we should discuss this under the Cone of-"

"-Hell," the Chief finished with a groan.

"What was that, Chief?" Max asked, innocently.

"Nothing, nothing. The Cone of Silence, eh?"

"It's a secret mission about another secret agent, isn't it, Chief? What I have to reveal comes under the jurisdiction of national security and as such, in the CONTROL handbook, Rule 13, page 17, Section A under the heading-

_"Finefinefinefinefine, Max!"_ the Chief snapped. "Let's just get this over with!"

86 actually looked uncomfortable and a little hurt. "Gee, Chief, it's nothing to get all worked up about! And if I may say so, maybe you should see a doctor about your shaky hands? A minute ago you seemed perfectly calm and now it looks like you've drank six cups of coffee in a row!"

"Max!"

"Five cups? Ever try decaf, Chief? I hear it's almost like real coffee except for the taste, smell, texture, and price!"

"Do you drink decaffeinated coffee, Max?" 99 wondered.

"Are you kidding? It's terrible! It's the worst! Do you want me to buy you a jar of it for you, Chief?"

"Just get this over with, Max! My nerves are _my_ business!"

Max nodded, satisfied that he'd be able to use one of his favorite cool CONTROL gadgets, and reached forward across the Chief's desk to touch the button on the control box that would lower the bullet-proof dome over his and the Chief's heads, but in doing so his clumsiness knocked over the picture of the Chief's wife. The Chief began to reach for it, but the Dome lowered faster than normal, so he quickly pulled back his hand as the edge of the Dome slammed down onto the picture frame, and cracked it in two, splintering shards all over the Chief's desk. He stared with murder in his eyes at 86's clumsiness, as the agent sat back in his chair with an apologetic, "Sorry about that, Ch- OWWTCH!", even as he leaned back too far and smacked his head across the curved inner Dome.

"Okay, Max," the Chief said, his voice echoing within the Cone of Silence. "What did Vejiga Del Mono say?"

"What?" Max asked, his eyes squinting as he struggled to hear the Chief's words, his own nasally voice bouncing around his half of the Dome.

"What...did...Vejiga...say?"

"That's amazing, Chief! You're very perceptive! I suppose that's why you're the Chief, but you were only close. Vejiga only said 'L', not 'A'."

"The what?" the Chief asked.

"Vejiga, Chief! He said 'L'."

""Eh?"

"No, Chief, not 'A'! 'L'!"

"Oh."

"Not 'O', Chief! Vejiga said 'L'."  
"Okay, I see," the Chief answered, making Max roll his eyes in frustration.

"No, no, no, Chief! Just one letter! The letter 'L'! He didn't mention 'O', 'K', 'I', or 'C'! Just 'L'! That's it! Then he was gone!"

"What?" the Chief grimaced, not hearing or understanding Max well enough.

"86 said that Vejiga only said the letter 'L' to him!" 99 told him helpfully, apparently hearing every word outside of the Cone.

The Chief nodded, and addressed Max, saying, "86, could this letter 'L' refer to a thing or a place or a person?"

"What's that?" Max asked, unable to hear correctly.

"The Chief wants to know if you think the letter 'L' refers to a thing, a place, or a person," 99 told him.

Max nodded, and told the Chief, "I think it's a thing, Chief."

"Why?" the Chief asked.

"Not again! Chief, it's the letter 'L', not the letter 'Y' that we're talking about!"

"I know, You said-"

"Chief, sorry, but you're getting mixed up again! It's not 'U', it's 'L'!"

"That's it! I've had enough! Let me out of this contraption!" the Chief shouted, his own voice echoing enough to hurt his ears, as he struggled to hit the correct button on his little control box to raise the Cone of Silence.

"We're not finished here yet, Chief!" Max's echoing voice complained. "Better cut down on those five cups of coffee, Chief! Ever think of switching to tea?"

"'T'! 'J'! 'S'! 'M'! 'C'! 'Q'! 'Z' 'R'! Whatever letters you want to talk about, Max, will be discussed out in the open! Now get this blasted dome off of us!" the Chief shouted, getting red-faced.

99 hit the proper control button, and the unit ascended back into its holding bay in the ceiling, leaving the Chief gasping for breath, his shaking hands rubbing a sweating forehead that had gained a pinkish tinge to it. Max leaned forward, and suggested,

"Forget the caffeine, Chief, and maybe check your cholesterol! How many eggs did you eat for breakfast this morning?"

"Max...stay...on topic," the Chief implored, focusing his mind on the topic at hand, namely Vejiga del Mono. "Now, all you can tell us is that he said the letter 'L', and disappeared?"

"Yes, sir. Before that he told me he wanted to now be known as 'the Revenger'. But as for the actual message it's gotta be the shortest coded message I've ever gotten on a mission! Other than that little sniffle Agent 44 gave on that mission to Bermuda. Either that or he was allergic to something!"

"Let's assume, then, that the letter 'L' refers to something, someone, or some place," the Chief suggested, maintaining his focus. "Let's put our heads together, and come up with as many words and things that begin with the letter 'L', and see if we hit upon something that might jog our memory. Let's see...Los Angeles, Louisiana, Las Vegas, London, Leeds, Lexington, Long Island, Luxembourg, Loch Ness, Labrador..."

99 suggested, "Lucky, labyrinth, ladder, larceny, lantern, language, leap, Libra, legislature, lawyer..."

Max added, "League, leap, Latin, laser, lasagne, lamp, liquor..."

"...Latvia, Latveria, leather, lens, limousine, laboratory, legend, legion, league, letter, library..." the Chief said.

"...love, leopard, lion, lynx, lizard, llama, licence, lungs, locksmith, Lady Liberty, lightning, link..." 99 suggested.

"...lemon, lettuce, lime..." Max said.

The Chief continued with, "...little, live, life, lobby, lock, load, longitude, latitude..."

99 suggested, "...loyal, lumber, lurch, lunar, Larry, Lawrence, Laurie, Logan, Lincoln, Lucy, Lisa..."

Max said, "...lamb, lobster, liquorice, liver, lollipop, Lima beans, Limburger cheese, ladyfingers, loin chops...say, Chief?"

"Yes, Max?"

"Can we take a break for lunch? All of a sudden I'm starving"

The Chief could only shake his head, and rest his head in his hands again. Max looked down at the older man and shook his head sadly.

"Probably not enough vitamin 'C'! He just doesn't have the energy he used to!"

In an area of New Jersey that was rarely visited by the Pope or the scariest Mob boss, KAOS agent Siegfried and his ever-present assistant, Starker, hovered over their prisoner, recently captured right under Maxwell Smart's narrow nose, much to Siegfried's immense pleasure.

The interrogation wasn't very pleasurable, however.

With his hands held rigidly behind his back, his head-to-toe leather outfit crackling from movement, Siegfried was slowly pacing in a circle around Vejiga, who was tightly bound to a chair, a hot lamp burning down blinding light from above to the point that Vejiga Del Mono thought the Brylcreem he'd combed in his hair earlier that morning might catch fire! Ever-faithful Starker tried to circle the prisoner at the same pace as Siegfried, but he kept catching up to his boss, who would suddenly stop and glare at his prisoner, who had decided that the best way to foil the interrogation was to continually repeat the same word endlessly...

"Tick...tick...tick...tick..."

Finally Siegfried had had enough and shouted at his prisoner, "Herr Vejiga, ve have vays of making you talk!"

Vejiga smiled up at him, and replied with, "Tick tock...tick tock...tick-"

"Enough!" Siegfried shouted, giving him a back-handed slap to the face. "You know vhat I'm vaiting for, Vejiga del Mono! You vill not leave here alive if you do not give me zee answers I vant ot know!"

"Very well," the prisoner sighed. "The answer is...blowing in the wind!" And with that he breathed in Siegfried's face, making the KAOS agent cough, and rise to his full height..

"Zat vas not wise, Mr. Name. I do not like zee shmell of tuna the fish!"

"Too bad- it's the breakfast of champions, as far as I'm concerned!"

"A healthy breakfast is always a good thing!" Starker grinned widely.

"Shtarker! Zis is KAOS! Ve do not have healthy breakfasts here!"

Starker's eyes fell, his feelings hurt.

Anyway, I'll tell you what I told Smart; I want to be called 'The Revenger'! It's cooler!"

"If I call you 'Zee Revenger', vill you talk?" Siegfried asked.

"Even if I could tell you what you wanted to know, I still wouldn't do it."

"And vhy is that?"

The Name shrugged. "I hate your shoes!"

Without the facts, 86 and 99 were forced to grab at straws, one of which was the female spy's suggestion that Vejiga had begun to utter 'Eleven', as in CONTROL agent 11, when he'd popped out of thin air. Without further information, or a dictionary with enough helpful words that started with the letter 'L' to guide them, Max and 99 took an elevator down to the CONTROL headquarters parking lot beneath the building, and made their way to his red Sunbeam Tiger sports car.

"I tell ya, 99, I think we're on a wild goose chase! Why would Vejiga want us to meet up with Agent 11, if we could just contact Agent 11 by ourselves?"

"Maybe the Revenger was working with Agent 11 and 11 can't contact us?" 99 suggested, stepping through the elevator door and into the underground lot.

"I still don't buy it," Max said, shaking his head. "I say we should have kept trying to think of words that started with the letter 'L'...at the same time we ate our lunch! But, the Chief, being a stickler for details and a grouch didn't want to eat before noon, so we're heading out with no stomachs and empty clues! Uh, or rather, no clues and empty stomachs! You see? I can't think without a full stomach!"

The two of them passed by Agent 51 as he fumbled with his keys to enter his own parked car, and greeted him as they moved down several more spots towards Max's car. As Max pulled out his own keys, he and 99 nearly jumped out of their skin as an explosion rocked the underground lot! Fortunately, a pair of CONTROL-issue Volkswagen Beetles helped shield them from the explosion and fire, which was quickly doused by the CONTROL-issue sprinkler system in the ceiling...except for 51's car, which seemed to be parked under the one sprinkler that wasn't working, allowing his car to be ravaged by the detonation.

"Fifty-one!" Max shouted out, fearing the worst, until he found the poor CONTROL agent just standing there, his suit a fried mess, and his neatly-combed hair now all pointy and charred, his face covered in as much soot and grim as a clown would have with white face paint. "Fifty-one! How the heck did you survive that?"

The agent coughed out a wisp of smoke and dusted himself off, his bright, perfect teeth out of place behind a sooty-face. "CONTROL-issue explosive blast-reflective deodorant! It saved my life!"

"Too bad about your car! You really loved her didn't you?" Max sighed, shaking his head at the destruction that was digesting the cool sports car.

"Yeah. I had that Camaro for two years without a scratch and now...definitely gonna need some body work."

Max looked down at the smouldering remains and suggested, "Uh, yeah, right. But, 51, who could have done this? Should we alert the Chief and let him know that KAOS booby-trapped your car?"

"Naw," 51 replied, forlornly. "I know who did it."

"Who?" 99 asked, urgently.

"I think it was Shirley in the CONTROL secretary's pool."

"Shirley?" 99 gasped. "Why would she do that?"

"She was upset that I married Agent 25. Before 25 and I got serious Shirley and I were hitting all the clubs and I even took her on a mission to Acapulco. I think she might be a little annoyed that I'm married now...and not to her!"

"Maybe so," Max nodded thoughtfully, even though 99 was positive that that was the precise reason.

"If it is her, we should have her arrested, 51," 99 suggested. "At the very least fired! She's dangerous!"

"Oh, that's okay. I'll deal with it myself," 51 frowned, sadly watching his car disintegrate.

"Is that wise?" 99 asked. "She might try something again!"

"It'll blow over. Don't let me keep you, guys. I think I'll just go back upstairs and get cleaned up."

"If you're sure, 51?" Max asked and 51 thanked them both and made his way to the elevator. He ushered 99 to his car, took out his keys again and was about to unlock his own car when he paused, and gently repositioned 99 behind one of the Volkswagens.

"Max?"

"If Shirley from the secretary's pool can get this pissed off at someone that cheats on her with his own wife, then I think I might be on her hit-list, too!"  
99 eyes widened with shock. "Max! Did you date and dump Shirley, as well?"

"Worse! I threw her typewriter out a window by accident!"

He went back to his car and was able to unlock it safely...at the same time as they both her a surprised cry from behind them that seemed to fade and end with a 'KA-BONK!'. They both looked around and saw that the elevator door was open, but curiously, it was completely black and empty inside.

"That's strange," Max said. "I thought this level was the bottom level? That looks like a hole's been dug underneath it. I wonder why anyone would...?

Max and 99 looked at each other, and knew the answer. They also knew who had just cried out and fallen who knows how many stories even further beneath the Headquarters building. Max jumped into his car, and 99 reluctantly joined him, as he revved the engine and pulled out like a crazy driver, his voice shaking with panic as he told her,

"Let's get outta here, 99! I don't want to be around when Shirley finds out what I did with her last box of staples!"

"Ooooh, noooo! Stoooop! Not thaaaat! Anything but thaaaaaat! Pleeeeease sssstop! I'lll taaaallllk!" cried Vejiga Del Mono, as he struggled in his chair against his bindings, turning his head side to side in full panic mode.

Siegfried looked down at him, unconvinced. "I only threatened to put you on zee Republican voters list! Vould I be zat nasty to you?"

Vejiga shrugged, his panic forgotten. "Maybe."

"You're right- I vould! Zo you vill talk?"

"Nah."

"Zis is getting annoying, Herr Vejiga. My patience is not infinite!"

"Well, your breath certainly is! What in God's name have you been eating?"

"Zees shtalling tactics von't vork, Herr Del Mono!"

"And that's another thing! Iwant to be known as 'The Revenger'! I hate the name Vejiga del Mono, because of what it means when you translate it into English! So call me 'Revenger' from now on!"

"Vhy? What does 'Vejiga del Mono' mean?"

"Monkey bladder."

"Monk-! OH-H-HO-HO-Ho-HO-HO!" Siegfried laughed out loud.

"Siegfried!" Starker snapped, gaining his superior's attention. "Zis is KAOS! Ve do not 'Ho-ho-ho' here! Except at KAOS Christmas party when KAOS Grand Leader dress up like Santy Clauses!"

Siegfried shook his head and got back on track. "Very well, 'Revenger' it is. You don't want to know what 'Siegfried' translates into vith KAOS code Number Six! Anyvays, vhere vas I? Ooooh, jaaaa! *Ahem!* No one knows vhere you are, least of all CONTROL! Now! Tell me vhat you know about...Number Three?"

"It's between number two and number four."

Siegfried slapped him.

"Not zat Number Three, dummkopf! Zee Number Three zat you vere going to tell Maxwell Shmart about!"

"Oh. Well, you know, it's the darndest thing...I can't concentrate without a decent breakfast, and since I skipped it to talk to Smart-"

"Too bad! Breakfast is over! It is even past lunch time! Zo talk!"

"No wonder my stomach is gurgling, my mouth is dry, my ears are ringing, my nose is bleeding, my left eye is twitching, and my kidneys are shutting down!'

"Either you've skipped breakfast and lunch or Siegfried is killing you softly!" Starker smiled, sounding helpful.

"Shtarker! I vill handle zis!" Siegfried admonished his associate.

"I kinda think it's both, so I'll make a deal. Get big and sexy here to go out a get me a sandwich and I'll talk. I promise."

Siegfried considered it, using his keen KAOS-trained sense of intuition to figure out if his prisoner was lying or not. With a deadly threat of a long death, the KAOS operative agreed to it, promising that if he didn't talk, he would slam the Revenger's hands down onto a box of broken glass, ignore his screams of pain, pound his face against the wall again and again until his face resembled a five-year old child's mismatched drawing in a coloring book, set fire to his hair and socks, pick up the chair with him tied in it, and throw it with all his might shattering a window, to let him fall to the ground three stories below.

Then he would get angry.

His face whiter than ever before, the Revenger agreed to it...

...and asked for a corned beef on rye, hold the mustard.

Max and 99 drove through town, frustrated after their meeting with Agent 11.

And Max wasn't about to let it go.

"I knew it, 99! I just knew it! Thinking that Agent 11 would have some information for us was the worst kind of grabbing for straws! Basing Agent 11 on a simple letter 'L' was never going to pan out! And now for the second time in one day, I have to drag my behind into the Chief's office to tell him that there's no sign of Vejiga Del Mono, a.k.a. the Revenger! He's going to hit the roof!"

"Sorry, Max, but it was the only possibility that made sense to the Chief and I!" 99 apologized, the wind whipping through her hair as 86 turned the corner in his convertible sports car.

"I'm not so mad at you, 99. I'm more annoyed at Eleven. Did he really have to use that kind of language about my mother?"

"I guess he had a right to be upset that we'd ruined his cover that he'd been using for six months, and now his mission has failed."

"That's what he gets for making a scene! Imagine insulting another guy's mother! I could have commented on that disgusting huge, black mole on his cheek, but did I? Nooo! Did I mention his broken nose that whistles when he talks? _Nooo!_ Did I point out to him that he had a piece of spinach in his teeth? _Nooo!"_

"Unfortunately you blew his cover in front of those four KAOS agents, though, Max."

"How was I to know they were KAOS? They all looked like those old crocks from the Senate in D.C.! Man, could those old KAOS jokers fight!" They drove on for another block before Max commented, "I sure hope Agent 11 will get out of traction by the Spring! We need him for the Annual CONTROL Inter-League Slow-Pitch ball game!"

"Max! Stop the car! Look!"

86 did both with the skill of a man as old as his agent number- and promptly slammed into the fender of a Chrysler that was parked. He was about to complain when 99 pointed out Starker walking down the street carrying a bag. Max stared hard at him with anger, and then peaked his head over his steering wheel to look over the top of his engine hood.

"That guy's gonna pay!"

"You think Starker broke out of jail, robbed a bank, and is now running free to take part in another KAOS plot?"

"No! He's gonna pay for my repairs! Just look at my fender! I was just polishing Betty yesterday morning!"

"The thing is, Max, is that Starker shouldn't-" 99 began, watching Starker cross the street, oblivious to their presence, when she paused and looked at Max. "'Betty'? Who...is...Betty?"

Max shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and with a pouty lower lip, he patted his steering wheel and murmured, "I call my car 'Betty'. Other guys give their cars names. I got a rivalry with Agent 77, who calls his Corvette-"

"'Veronica'?" 99 guessed.

Max stared at her, open mouthed. "That's_ fantastic_, 99! How could you guess that?"

"I had a hunch," she smiled back at him, and patted his hand.

"Well, anyway, guys love their cars and it's only natural that we'd call our cars names. Larabee calls his 'Leela', Agent 63 calls his 'Jilly', and Agent 13 calls his...well...you _don't_ want to know what he calls his Ford Skyliner!"

"Why not?"

"It's a very, very bad word! He _hates_ that car with all his might!"

"Well, anyways, Max, we need to follow Starker! I know for a fact that he should still be locked up after that encounter we had with him and Siegfried in Monte Carlo a couple months ago! And I also noticed something very strange about that bag he was carrying!"

"What was that, 99?"

"It had the name of 'Baker's Burgers' on it!"

"You're right, 99! That's incredibly suspicious!" 86 said, as he backed up, and began to follow the KAOS agent. "Everybody knows you don't bake a burger! You fry 'em or grill 'em!"

"No, Max," she corrected him, rolling her eyes. "I once read Starker's personality file, and know for a fact that he's a vegetarian! He would never buy a hamburger, unless it was for someone else!"

Max nodded, finally on track. "Right, 99! And where Starker is...Siegfried must be close by! We'll put our Vejiga mission on hold, just long enough to spy on Starker and see where he goes, then report back to the Chief and see what he wants us to do."

They trailed Starker as he walked down the street, a simple smile on his face as he enjoyed the sunny afternoon, kicked a dog, and stole an ice cream cone from a little boy. It infuriated 86 to no end, and gave him an itchy trigger finger to enact revenge...not to mention itchy fists looking for a fight, and itchy feet looking for a KAOS backside to kick..

_Hmm_, Max thought to himself. _Either I'm raring to go for a fight or I need a bath, considering how itchy my body parts are!_

They eventually had to park the car as Starker made his way to a warehouse on the edge of town. Contacting the Chief lead to them getting permission to track down Starker and see what he was up to. Instead of using the same door that the KAOS minion had used, 86 and 99 circled around the warehouse to find another door, but could only find a rusty loading dock door on the opposite side of Starker's entry point. Broken, dusty windows offered little view into the warehouse twenty feet above where the CONTROL agents stood.

"Well, 99, it looks like I'll get to use Betty's car seat ejection system after all."

"Max, that's dangerous! It's to be used against KAOS agents, not us!"

"I have it all figured out, 99! Carleton provided me with the exact specifications of the seat's speed, rate of ascent and angle of elevation. Using that, I can catapult myself up to one of those windows, climb in, and unlock this door for you to join me."

"Max, I really don't think-"

86 held up a silencing hand and a confident smile, saying, "Trust me, 99! Betty and I have this under control."

99's intuition told her to have her makeup compact-phone ready to call an ambulance.

86 got behind the wheel, turned the car around so that the back faced the warehouse, and edged and steered to what he believed was the perfect location for the plan. Next, moving over to his trusty car's passenger seat, Max flipped open a hidden compartment on the steering wheel, took another look back to judge the angle, and activated the ejection seat.

99 watched with wide eyes as she saw rocket jets blow the chair forty feet straight up into the air, and straight down into the car. Max's arms and legs flopped around, and he thought he heard 99 call out his name in panic, but her voice was slightly muffled from his position, which was upside down with his legs hanging over his car seat, and his head beneath his dashboard.

"I think I..miscalculated," Max moaned, slowly extricating himself from his uncomfortable position with 99's help.

"Oh, Max! You didn't even fly back a few feet! You just went straight up and down!"

"Er, yes, 99, because, uh, rather than using Betty's own momentum to fling back an unwanted passenger, I failed to take into account one important fact about our tech expert, Carlson."

"What's that?"

"That's it's _Carlson!_ What a jerk! What a dummy! What a-"

"Max, what's that on the steering wheel? It looks like a tiny speedometer?"

86 squinted at it, and looked embarrassed, as he mumbled, "Oh, that...it's just...the ejection seat angle-setter." Max snapped his fingers and nodded to himself, adding, "Now I remember! I'm supposed to turn the needle one way or the other to send the seat either forwards or backwards! Of course! That makes sense now!"

"Okay, so you'll know next time, Max. Let's just try to break into the loading dock door and-"

"Nothing doing, 99! I paid alot for this little gadget to be added to Betty and I'm gonna get my money's worth! Now, just stand back, while I re-set the angle-setter-angler-set-re-set. Uh. You know what I mean."

"Max..." 99 moaned, still worried, but smart enough to know that when Max had a plan nobody could talk him out of it.

86 re-set the control, looked back twice and readjusted it twice, then smiled at her once with a confident smile. He closed his eyes and looked up murmuring a silent prayer, then counted down on his fingers for her benefit; three...two...one...

...and felt his body become airborne as it was flung forty feet into the air and fifty feet forwards over his beloved car, landing in a pile of crates that were luckily filled with stuffed toys.

"_MAX!"_ 99 shrieked running for him. "Oooh, Max!" she murmured, tears welling within her eyes as she discovered that he as alive but unconscious. She caressed his face and waited for him to come to, but it didn't matter.

Starker had them both covered with a sub-machine gun.

"Howdy, Americansky goodniks!"

Maxwell Smart had been in countless tight spots, and occasionally it required a bit of acting, such as pretending to be unconscious so as to listen in on enemy agent plans.

This time he had a harder time faking unconsciousness, mainly because he already was. Once he began to stir, Max realized that he was laying face first, on a cold, dirty floor, which had, judging from the inch of dust beneath the refrigerator, hadn't been cleaned in months. His body ached all over, probably from doing his Superman impression and that gravity thing, but he was trained to fight against pain in all its forms so as to perform his duties as a CONTROL agent. He was trained to resist any form of torture and use of pain against him, and as such he would die with his shoes on, no matter what KAOS threw his way.

"Ohohohohoh! Oh, nooo! Uuhhhh!" he moaned, his body twitching, his mind subjected to unexpected torture.

"Max! I'm here, I'm here!" 99 assured him, as she struggled against her own bonds in her chair. "What's wrong?"

"My big toe's itching like crazy! Aaahhh! It's driving me crazy!"

"Zen your big toe vill be zee death of you, Shmart!"

Max looked up, and tried to ignore the crazy itch in his shoe, as he beheld his greatest enemy. "Siegfried! Just as we knew!"

The KAOS agent shifted uncomfortably in his leather boots, saying, "Vhat? Vhat have you heard? Nuzzink about our capture of your informant, surely?"

Max's eyes widened in shock. "You've captured Shirley from the secretary's pool? Don't tell me she was dating you and Agent 25 at the same time?"

"Not zat kind of 'Shirley', Shmart. Zee vord 'surely', as in-" Siegfried closed his eyes in frustration, and stopped himself in mid-sentence, refusing to be drawn into Smart's insanity. "Never mind. Now that you're awake again I'm going to threaten your life again!"

"Gee, thanks!"

"You've just lied there for an hour! A fine thing to do while unconscious! Zo...vhy are you here?"

"I got lost trying to find the nearest Kentucky Fried Chicken!"

Siegfried saw Starker shiver, and he hissed out a harsh, "Shush! You _know_ how sensitive Shtarker is about zee chickens! und zee frying!"

"Sorry about that, Starker," Max apologized.

"Look, just forget about all that, and get me outta here!" a familiar voice said behind 99. Max sat up, and saw that Vejiga Del Mono was tied to a chair behind 99's chair. "Hey-ho! Nice to see you again, 86!"

"The Vejiga Revenger! 99 and I have been looking all over for you!"

"At least get my name right, willya? I'm The Revenger! _The Revenger_, _okaaay?_ Stop calling me Vejiga Del Mono once and for all!"

"All right, what!" 86 sighed. "99 and I have been wracking our brains trying to make sense of your clue! What the heck was 'L' supposed to stand for?"

The Revenger made a face, as he thought back to their encounter. "'L'? As in the letter 'L'? I didn't say the letter 'L'!"

"I heard you!" 86 insisted.

"You didn't hear correctly, 86, because mean ol' Starker here grabbed me in mid-sentence! I was only able to utter the Spanish word for the word 'The' before he captured me!"

Max thought, and said, "Of course! 'El'! 'E' - 'L'! That makes all the sense in the world now! Just tell me one thing?"

"Sure?"

"What the heck does 'EL' stand for?"

The Revenger looked between Max and Siegfried, and said, "Well, since I have CONTROL's top agents here, along with KAOS's top agent, I suppose I can reveal the truth to both of you."

Starker frowned, interrupting, "Heyyy! Vhat about Shtarker? You only say 'KAOS agent', meaning just Siegfried! Vhy not include me?"

"Finefinefine," The Revenger said, shaking his head, "Presence of top CONTROL, blah, blah, blah, top KAOS agent, blah, blah, blah, and top KAOS whiner. Satisfied!"

Starker broke out into a big grin, and replied, "Jaaa! Shtarker likes wine!"

"Zee information, Revenger, _now!"_ Siegfried growled, stomping his foot.

"Okay, Mister Grumpy-Bullets! I'm here to tell you that you guys, both CONTROL and KAOS, will now be dealing with a third organization! I don't know what it's called, but the ringleader goes by the name of...El Breathario!"

Max, 99, Siegfried, and Starker looked amongst each other for evidence that anyone knew who this person was, but none did.

They did, however, laugh in The Revenger's face.

"'El Breathario'! That's even worse than 'Vejiga Del Mono'! What kind of silly name is that for a crime lord?" Max grinned.

"Nein, Shmart, vhat kind of name is zat for a law enforcement leader?" Siegfried snickered.

Starker chuckled as well, repeating, "I like wine!"

"You people had better take this seriously! I don't know who's side El Breathario is on!" They laughed at him again, and Siegfried sat down, rubbing his forehead. "Come onnnn! A little concern here! We're all in danger! Well, at least, half of us are, depending on what El Breathario's intentions are!"

"Maybe El Breathario vants to conquer zee vorld...vith breath mints!" Siegfried laughed.

"Perhaps El Breathario is going to pollute the Eastern seaboard with his halitosis!" Max joked.

"Maybe, El Breathario likes cartoons!" Starker joked.

Everyone stopped laughing and stared at him. Starker lost his smile, got a slap in the back of his head from Siegfried for his troubles, and stepped back.

"What do you expect us to do, Revenger?" 99 wanted to know. "Join forces with KAOS to fight this third party?"

"I don't care anymore. You guys have hurt my feelings. And I still haven't had my sandwich!"

"Und vhere is this 'El Breathario' located? Where is his base?" Siegfried asked.

"I don't know. I only know that it appears he either has a mobile base of operations, or a whole bunch of bases out at sea. The Atlantic, to be precise."

"That sounds like he's based in a submarine," 99 suggested.

The Revenger nodded. "That could be. But the thing is, once he's beyond American waters, he's in international territory and virtually untouchable."

"Not untouchable to KAOS! Ve are everywhere!" Siegfried insisted.

"Ja! Even in capitalist farm newsletter of Snyder, Arkansas!" Starker offered.

"Shtarker! Loose lips sink ships! Und turn zat machine off! I can't hear myzelf think!"

Starker looked around helplessly, and said, "Vhat machine? I not turn on anything in warehouse!"

"That's not a machine, Siegfried," Max said, suddenly feeling emboldened and confident. "That's the sound of ten CONTROL anti-KAOS assault vehicles! Would you believe it! Ten of them!"

"I find zat...hard to believe," Siegfried replied, looking about distracted.

"Oh, well, would you believe three assault vehicles and a platoon of riot officers?"

"No."

"Oh. How about a guy from Jersey with a really loud hot rod muffler?"

The identity of the owner of the noise outside made their presence know as a tank-like vehicle smashed through the loading dock area, instead of using the door. Siegfried and Starker opened fire in a panic, not recognizing the vehicle as one of their own, while 86 and 99 struggled against their ropes, also believing that the tank was not one of theirs. It fired a gas grenade out of a launchers, and it landed in Max's crotch, which not only hurt, but knocked him out quite quickly, as well as everyone else in the warehouse.

The tank's hatch rose, and a pair of costumed men in gas masks appeared, climbing down to assess the unconscious people before them, one of them saying over a communicator,

"El Breathario will be pleased! Both Smart and Siegfried are here as we believed! Long live, KAOSTROL!"

The first thing that Maxwell Smart noticed was a pair of beady eyes staring back at him, little whiskers twitching.

For some reason, he thought he was looking at his Aunt Bertha, who had an unfortunate amount of upper lip hair that she refused to cut or trim, but once the knock-out gas in his system began to fade and be replaced by normal air, he realized that his mind was playing tricks with him.

He yelped and tried to back up, but his hands were handcuffed and his ankles were tied together, so he rolled away from the curious mouse, which now scurried away from him, its own fear overwhelming its instinctive curiosity. Max surveyed his surroundings, and found that only he and Siegfried were locked inside a metal cell- 99 and Starker and Vejiga The Revenge Monkey were nowhere to be seen. and Siegfried was still unconscious. Max eyed his enemy with contempt, but when he truly looked at the KAOS agent, he felt his resolve melt, and a smile actually peak out from his own line lips.

_What do you know? KAOS agents actually look kinda nice and innocent when they're asleep_!, he thought to himself. He got his mind back on track seconds later, as he struggled against his restraints, thinking, _The old Getting-captured-after-I've-already-been-captured scenario! Second time this has happened to me this year!_

If Siegfried was a prisoner, too, then things were going from serious to mega-serious! What was that Vejiga The Bladder had said about a third party versus CONTROL and KAOS? Didn't that happen once before? Were these the same people trying to topple both organizations again? He looked around the metal room, and wiggled his bottom on the floor as something occurred to him. The room was moving! Not like in a truck, but rather...a vessel at sea! Perhaps a submarine, if the reconditioned air was any indication, Max surmised, having been aboard hundreds of submarines. Well...maybe not hundreds, but at least five or six!

He was about to head-butt Siegfried in order to wake him up, but the cell door clanked from being unlocked on the outside, and seconds later a strange Latino man in a Conquistador costume appeared...beside The Revenge of Vejiga!

"So! You were in on this all the time, eh, Vejiga?"

"Revenger! _The Revenger_, Smart! But, actually, no, I wasn't. But El Breathario and I here had a long talk, and since I didn't have any plans this weekend, I decided to join him in his quest for world domination!"

"But, why, Revenger?" Max implored. "What could he possibly offer that the United States government couldn't give you?"

The Revenger grinned, held his hand out with the palm up, and clenched his fist as he replied, "Scotland! I'm going to be it's new king!"

"Well, I think Queen Elizabeth in England will have something to say about that! Not to mention all those guys in those bag pipe bands!"

"Details, details," the Revenger waved off. "I have needs, and El Breathario will see to them! There's going to be a New World Order, Smart! Welcome to a world controlled by KAOST-"

"Buh-buh-buh-buh!" the Conquistador interrupted, holding up a gloved hand. "Senior, eet is _my_ idea, and I say zee name first, si? Senior Smart, welcome to zee New World Order of...KAOSTROL!"

"'Castrol'?" 86 repeated, squinting, confused. "Like the motor oil company?"

"KAOSTROL!" El Breathario repeated, annoyed.

"'Kaya-stroll'?" Max repeated, shaking his head.

"Nononono! KAO- ees he doing zis on purpose?" the leader asked The Revenger.

"Sadly...no. I told you you should make up a completely new name!" He looked down at Max and told him, "I wanted to call it 'CONTRAOS', but I was overruled."

"Si, because eet sounds stooopeed!"

"Oh, yea, like 'KAOSTROL makes sense! The press will make fun of your name worse than Smart has!"

"Oh, big informant, big man in zee secret agent world! What do you know?"

"Oh, yeah, you guys are going to lead a grrreat New World Order!" Max smirked, rolling his eyes. "If you guys can't come up with a decent organization name that you can both agree on, how will you agree on the really big and important issues, like who to assassinate? Who to over-throw? Who to capture? Who sits on the right side of the hostages and who stands on the left? You guys have a long way to go, so howabout this? You work on your plans a while longer, say nine or ten years, and in the meantime, set 99 and I free? After you guys have slept on it and gone to counselling-"

"_SHUT-UP!"_ El Breathario snapped, suddenly swinging a fencing sword down, inches from Max's toes. "I am zee leader, and what I say, goes!"

"Okay...but Mike Wallace is going to make mince-meat out of you on _'60 Minutes'_ with a crazy name like that!"

"Stop distracting me, Senior Smart! I'm am here, on the Revenger's suggestion, to give you one, and only one chance to switch sides. And since I am of royal Mexican blood- eh, distantly, second and fourth cousins and all that, and a Conquistador and a gentleman, I thought we could do this over a meal. I'm not accepting any excuses from you not dining with me. Except, of course, if you can't pay for it."

"Actually, I'm a little short this week- had a lot of long distance calls on my shoe phone." El Breathario raised his sword so that the intimidating point was held just two inches from his eyes, so Max added, "Okay, you talked me into it! What're we having? I'm really in the mood for a nice, thick New York sirloin with lots of steak sauce and a baked potato with all the fixings, and if you have any, some fresh asparagus tips in a garlic butter sauce-"

"We're having liver and onions." El Breathario replied coldly.

"Sounds...yummy," Max replied lamely, his shoulders lowering with disappointment.

"Nein, nein, nein!" a drowsy voice said off to Smart's left. "Eef Shmart...is going to eat und talk...zen so vill I be included! Und unlike him, I von't talk vith my mouth open!"

Smart's mouth twisted into a dissatisfied half smirk/half frown. "You shoulda stayed asleep, Siegfried! You actually looked harmless like that!"

"I am never harmless, Shmart! I am alvays ready to strike like a king cobra! My senses are never ashleep! I can kill a man even vhen I'm ashleep! I am more dangerous ashleep zen vhen I am fully awake, because of my super-human senses! All I ask, El Breathario, ees one thing!"

"Yes?"

Siegfried frowned sheepishly, and said lamely, "Could you wipe my cheek for me? I seemed to have been drooling vhile unconscious!"

"Enough!" the Revenger snapped. "What do you say, El Breathario? Should we include Siegfried in our dinner discussion?"

"How can you trust him?" Smart accused. "He's a cold-blooded killer! He's agree to anything you say just so he could slit your throat in your sleep! He'd send his own Grandmother to Siberia if it meant 5 minutes of power!"

"How did you know about Granny Siegfried?" the KAOS agent wondered, but shook his head, and tried to come off as friendly as he could be. "Don't listen to goody-two-shoes here, gentlemen! If you've captured a CONTROL agent, zen you and I are on zee same side! Vhy not release me, zo ve can work as three?"  
"EEHH! Wrong answer, Fritz!" the Revenger smiled, making the sound of a game buzzer. "Didn't I tell you that he would want a piece of the pie? He won't be content to be an operative, he'll want to sit on our chair! It won't even be a chair, then! It'll be a couch! One of those crazy 'L'-shaped sectionals with all the plush material and the buttons that dig into your backside, that'll-"

"Si, si, si, Revenger, that'll do. Let's just skip the dinner, after all, gentlemen. I'd rather keep all that delicious liver and onions for myself. One chance and one chance only, Senior Smart, so pick wisely. Will you join KAOSTROL?"

"Or CONTRAOS?" the Revenger added.

"The answer is positively, unequivocally, irreversibly, no, El Breathario! You see I've committed my life to the fight for justice and niceness and good deeds! I've helped more little old ladies cross the street than you've had tacos!"

"Vay to shtick it to him, Shmart!" Siegfried mocked.

El Breathario shrugged his shoulders, and said, "Very well. Then you will die immediately."

"Did I say 'irreversibly'?" Max asked quickly, holding up a hand. "I may have spoken rashly. I'm kinda lenient about the whole-"

"You're going to die. Deal with it."

Siegfried looked at his captors and growled, "So now vhat? Vithout us, who vill you use to warn our organizations of your existshtance und your plans to fight both KAOS und CONTROL?"

"I'm going to send word back to your groups via your number one agents."

"You just said you were going to kill us? How are you going to do both things?" Max wondered. "If we're dead, then it'll be pretty hard to convey your threat without us."

"I said I would relay my message through CONTROL and KAOS's number one agents, not you. 99 and Starker to be exact."

86 frowned, insulted, but Siegfried was having none of it. "_SHTARKER IS NUMBER ONE?_!" he exclaimed, indignant.. "Imbecile! _I am Number One_, you shtinky-head!"

El Breathario shrugged, unconvinced. "You may have been Number One at one time, Siegfried, but let's get serious, shall we? How many times has this one man, Smart, defeated you? How many times has he captured you? Imprisoned you? Ruined your grandiose plans?"

Siegfried's moustache sank even lower as he frowned deeply, and responded weakly, "You don't have to get _zo _personal! I vas great! One time!"

"Yeah! He was, and still is my Number One nemesis in my books!" Max added, defiantly.

"Tank you, Shmart!" Siegfried croaked, on the verge of tears, wiping away a tear.

"Hey, what's a little compliment between arch-enemies locked in a blood feud? Besides, even I don't believe Starker is number one!"

"Really?" El Breathario challenged, crossing his arms across his ornately-designed Mexican conquistador costume. "I'm sure you're familiar with the Hindenburg crash?"

"Yes. You don't mean-?"

El Breathario nodded. "Starker. With a stink-bomb, I understand. And the creation of the Berlin Wall? Starker's idea, when he was seen cementing LEGO blocks in the middle of a Berlin street! He also tried to ruin the Ford car company by creating the Edsel! He created the Metric system to confuse the nations of the word about weights and measurements, even though the United States refuses to adopt it for now. Add to that numerous political assassinations that were accomplished when he wasn''t working for Siegfried, and his dossier is most impressive!"

"Starker was responsible for all that?" Max asked, incredulous.

"I hear he's also single-handedly responsible for the cancellation of _'Leave It To Beaver'_!'

"The cad!" Max fumed. "That was one of my favorite television shows! Poor Jerry Mathers was sent to the unemployment line because of Starker? Wait'll I get my hands on that KAOS crony!"

"Vait until _you _get your hands on him? Vait until _I do!_ He's taking credit for Metric, vhen it vas _my idea_!" Siegfried growled, outraged.

"Nevertheless, gentlemen, it's irrelevant. In a few minutes you'll be dead, and shortly thereafter the world will belong to me, El Breathario!"

"And, uh, me, too! The Revenger! That way, my new name will really make sense!"

"You really should change that name. We'll have to have a little talk. Adios, amigos!"

And with that, the two would-be world dominators slammed the hatch behind them, locking CONTROL and KAOS's alleged-number two agents inside to ponder their predicament.

"Well, if we're going to die, then at least we have a while to come up with a plan of escape, if they're just going to keep us locked up in here," Max surmised.

Seconds later, a hatch at the top of the ceiling opened up and water began to gush out of it, hitting the floor and rising up quickly to one inch, two inches, three inches...

"Big mouth! I think ve have less time than ve thought!"

"Now, hold on there, Siegfried, this might be okay.," Max assured him.

"How?"  
"Well, since we're on a submarine, I'm sure El Breathario will be concerned about a leak that might sink his ship!"

"Do you notice anythink out of ordinary here, Shmart? Is there zomething you can tell me about all zis vater?"

"Yeah, it's not in a glass! It's all over this deck!"

"Ja, ja,, and it's up to nine inches und climbing! Nine inches! Do you realize vhat zat means?"

"Sure. It's too shallow to swim in!"

"Dunkopf! Zat is a ballast tank zat's purposefully pumping vater into here vith only one purpose- to drown us!"

Max stared at it, surprised. "That's not very nice at all!"

"Shmart! Zis is KAOS! Ve are not...! Uh. Zis is KAOSTROL, und they are not _supposed_ to be nice! Unless you are vearing a bathing zuit under your bad business zuit, zhen I would suggest you come up vith a plan to save us!"

"Right! A plan! Good idea! Saaaay! Why am _I_ expected to come up with a rescue plan? Why not you?"

"I am KAOS! Ve do not reshcue! Ve make trouble and let our plans run they're course! Reshcue is your CONTROL prerogative!"

"Oh."

"I'm also too shcared outta my head to figure out how to save us!"

"Well, maybe if you'd ever tried to devote your life and your skills to the pursuit of goodness and the Land of the Free, you wouldn't be so freaked out right now!"

"Shmart...mein buminzee ist getting very, very wet sitting in zis vater! Think of zomething, quickinzee!"

86 nodded, and patted down his suit jacket, before nodding to himself. He tried to reach inside, but the position of his handcuffed hands prevented entry. "Okay, Siegfried, I've got an idea. But, you're right- let's stand up in the water before it reaches our heads."

They tried to twist and regain their footing, but neither was able to get a decent foothold, thanks to the bindings on their ankles. Max wouldn't give up, however, and it was with his idea of the two of them, back-to-back, pushing into one another to regain some leverage, that allowed the both of them to slowly climb to their feet.

"Good. Now, reach into my left breast pocket and take out my comb."

"Shmart! Zis is no time for personal grooming!"

"It's a laser comb, Siegfried!"

"Oh, okay, zat's better! Your hair ess zo short, anyvay, zat I don't know vhat's left to comb!"

"Siegfried!"

"I'm doing, I'm doing!" the KAOS agent growled, and awkwardly reached inside Smart's jacket, fumbled about and dropped Max's wallet into the knee-high water. Smart frowned sourly at him, but Siegfried barely restrained his smirk of satisfaction at annoying his arch-enemy. His face lit up as one hand grasped the laser comb, which he gently removed, then jumped back with a satisfied,

"Aaah-HAAA! I've got you now, Shmart!"

"Siegfried, stop kidding around! This place is filling up with alot of water, and I gotta tell ya, it's flippin' cold! My kneecaps feel like a couple snowballs!"

"Nein. Not vhen I _finally_ have you! I'm not about to lose my only chance to finally be ridden of you!"

"But you'll just drown in here alone!"

"Details, details! Only vone of us is going to die today, Shmart, und it von't be me! Zay your prayers, Maxvell Shmart, und...Auf Wiedersehen!" Siegfried held the laser comb before his outstretched hands, and fumbled for a hidden trigger or button, but nothing happened. Smart watched, unconcerned, as Siegfried grunted and mumbled to himself in German as he twisted and turned and swatted the comb in every way, eventually smacking it against a pipe to make it work, all to no avail. "Shtooopid CONTROL gadgets! Vhy von't eet vorrrk?"

"Because it doesn't work for anyone but me, Siegfried! It's got a computer chip in it that recognizes me, and me alone, as its user! It also has a one-time feature, so let me use it or we'll both drown. Hand it over."

"Oooooh!" Siegfried moaned like a 7-year old, stomping his foot in frustration. "Und I vas sooo close to murdering you!"

"Chin up, Siegfried! I'm sure you'll get another chance and be a great success at it!" Smart smiled, then lost his smile as he thought about the consequences of what he was suggesting.

"You're just zaying that because eet's true! Very well. Here!"

Max grasped the laser comb, but found Siegfried was still grasping it tightly on the other end, staring down at the floor, a part of him still unable to accent an alliance with Smart, even to save his life. Max yanked once more and finally possessed his laser comb. He paused and said,

"Now, the only question is...what do we use the laser beam on? Do we burn away our handcuffs so our hands are free, our bindings so our legs are free, or that locked door?"

Siegfried stared at him, and replied, shaking his head, "I vould vote for zee door, because, und shtop me if you've heard zis one before...VE'RE ABOUT TO DROWN SHMART!"

Max stuck a finger in his ear and twisted it a little to make it stop ringing from Siegfried's screaming into it, but he had to agree, now that the water had risen to his waist, which really upset him, because now his shirt was getting wet, and it wasn't even laundry night! Holding the comb in his right hand, he combed the right side of his head once, making the laser comb come to life with a little whine, combed the top of his hair once, making the whine rise in tempo, and finally the left side of his head, which built up a full charge of power within the weapon.

86 looked at Siegfried, and didn't like the look of restraint in his enemy's face- the KAOS jerk was still thinking about using his own weapon against him, but he kept his emotions in check. With the teeth of the comb pointing at the seam of the door where the locking mechanism would be located, Max adjusted his handhold of the laser comb so that his fingers held the bottom edge, at which point multiple laser beams shot out of numerous hidden comb teeth, and impacted the lock. Water continued to splash down and fill up the compartment, coming perilously close to the edge of the lock, but Max figured even a laser beam wouldn't be diffused underwater.

They wouldn't have to find out as the laser comb cut through the entire lock of the door like hot butter, while the weight of the water inside the cell was enough to smash open the door, sending gallons of water out into the submarine's corridors. Luckily, there were no guards about, so they were able to examine the nearest compartments in anonymity. Unfortunately, neither 99 nor Starker was in any of them, and they had no way of knowing whether or not they had been sent off the ship, or were still aboard the sub.

"Hey! Verrry intereshting!" Siegfried said, opening up a cupboard part of the way.

"What is it?" Max asked, stepping over to him, and getting hit in the nose when Siegfried opened the door wider. "Shorry about that, Shmart."

"Yeah. Right," Max replied, holding his nose. "Still trying to kill me, one bump or bruise at a time?"

"Nein, nein! I vas just opening zee door, und your big American nose got in zee vay! Look!"

Smart cautiously looked inside, and smiled at his enemy, having found a small arms locker. They both reached in the same time and pulled out the same gun, prompting them to both look insulted and upset at the same time.

"Heyyy! _ I_ want this gun! I've always wanted a Walther PPK! Let go of it!"

"Nein! _ I'm_ using zee Walther PPK!" Siegfried countered.

"Oh, yeah? Says who?"

"My finger on zee trigger says zo!"

Max looked down, and realized that he was just holding the small barrel of the pistol, while Siegfried held the weapon the way it was meant. And worse, it was pointing right at him!

"Okay. That other spy-guy uses one all the time and I wouldn't want to infringe on his copyright or anything!"

"HA! You give up too easily, Shmart! And for zat...YOU DIIIIIE!" Siegfried cried out, and pulled the trigger.

He pulled it again.

And again and again and again.

Finally, he slapped his sides, looked up at the ceiling and moaned in utter frustration, "Vhat zee heck ees going on? Vhy von't you let me kill him, already? Vhat does a guy have to do to put a bullet in his head?"

"Never mind that now," Smart growled, checking the locker, his heart racing from the near-death encounter. He retrieved another gun, this one a German-made Heckler & Koch HK4, but it, too, was empty of firepower. He rummaged around, and found a colorful red and blue water pistol, and offered it to Siegfried. "I know where we can fill this one up with _lots_ of water! Eh...no? Well, that does it, then. We have guns, but no bullets. Ah! But here are some handcuff keys! Try them on my cuffs!"

"Ve'll just have to bluff our way out, zhen, Shmart. Zhey von't know ve're unarmed," Siegfried said, unlocking Smart's shackles. Max quickly freed his old enemy next.

"They will when they start shooting at us, and all we can do is yell back, 'ka-pow! Ka-pow! Gotcha!'! Still, it's better then nothing. So, now what? We take over the control room?" Siegfried nodded. "Which way?"  
"Zis is not a KAOS shubmarine, Shmart! How should I know?"

"Because I've seen you command a couple in our encounters before, and you should know your way around one!"

"Oh, very vell," Siegfried looked about, squinted down the hallways and towards a gangway. "Zat vay. My skill in knowing zee layout of any shubmarine makes me believe zat I'm positive zis is zee vay to the control room!"

"Good work, Siegfried!"

Smart led the way, as Siegfried tossed aside the little sign in his hand that he'd hidden from his nemesis, which possessed the words 'This way to control room' on it.

And if they thought there was going to be fire fight, they would sadly be mistaking. Leaning against his periscope, El Breathario was alone, unprotected, the control room devoid of any crew.

"Hold it right there, El Breathario!" Max shouted out, prompting Siegfried to groan and elbow him in his arm

"Vhy did you have to threaten him! Threatening is my business! I should have warned him not to move!"

"Sorry about that, Siegfried," Max shrugged. "Maybe we should have flipped a coin to become spokesman?"

"Vhat do ve need a coin for, vhen threatening comes zo naturally to KAOS agents?"

"Hm. Yer right. Next time, then!"

"Oy. Very well. Now, listen, El Breathario, I'm varning you not to-"

"I haven't moved since Smart warned me not to," El Breathario complained. "You don't need to tell me twice!"

Siegfried slapped his sides again, and looked down at Smart, moaning, "You see? You see? Und now the moment is gone, und vhatever I have to say-"

"Never mind that! Ask him about 99 and Starker!

"Vhere is Shtar-"

"Not to mention where the crew is?"

"Zo, vhere is Shtark-"

"And even Vejiga Del Mono Revenge of the Monkey Bladder, who doesn't seem to be present."

"Ja!" Siegfried cleared his throat, looked at El Breathario, and said, "Vhat he said!"

"99 and Starker are still locked up, thanks to my knife-in-the-back so-called 'ally, the Revenger! And he left because my crew mutinied! Imagine that? I, the great El Breathario, and my crew has jumped ship!"

"Why? What made them leave?"

El Breathario shrugged, and kicked an imaginary stone across the deck as he answered, "Their pay checks bounced. I was going to pay them, honest! Unfortunately, I got ahead of myself, and thought I could pay them using the money I was going to steal from Fort Knox, using this submarine!"

Max thought about that and said in a confused tone, "But Fort Knox is in Kentucky, and nowhere near any body of water! And you wanted to attack it with a submarine?"

El Breathario crossed his arms, his feelings obviously hurt. "And if it weren't for Mendez knowing that little fact...and Lockwood...and the Ogilvy twins...and my secretary, Bobo...well, I could have broken in, stolen the gold, paid them with it, and gone on to see my plans for global domination come to fruition! Unfortunately, one by one they began to mutiny, and I was unable to make them follow my orders as I commanded! They hid all the guns and turned the torpedoes into decorative furniture pieces in the rec room, and even swiped my command chair! But I outwitted them, and was still able to issue commands while standing!"

Siegfried looked at Smart, and murmured, "I vill make a deal with you, Shmart; let him join CONTROL und I vill let you live!"

"Nothing doing! He's all yours and KAOS's! I'm positive the Chief won't want him on our side! So 'fes up, El Breathario; where's 99?"

"Und Shtarker! He und I have alot to discuss! Especially that claim that _he_ invented Metric!"

"It doesn't matter, gentlemen. You see, without a crew on board, this sub is now gradually sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic. I have no crew aboard to monitor the engines or the ballast tanks or any of that sailor stuff."

"You're in command of a submarine and you don't even know how it works?" Smart asked, incredulous.

"Hey! Your El Presidente is in command, but he doesn't know everything about his government!"

"He's got zat right," Siegfried consented.

"Nevertheless, there must be some stuff around here that you know how to work? I mean, come-ooon! You put yourself in a sub and you have no clue as to how it works? Not to mention the part about not getting very close to Fort Knox?"

"I know how to work the espresso maker! Would you like a cup as we sink to the murky depths and die a long, arduous death as we suffocate?" El Breathario asked, nonchalantly.

"I'll pass. It looks like it's up to you and me, Siegfried. I don't suppose you've watched enough episodes of _'Voyage To The Bottom_ _Of The Sea'_ to think of a way to save us?"

"I might...have a trick or two uppen my sleeve."

"Great!"

"But you have to die first!"

"Not so great! What're you talking about, Siegfried?"

"Shmart, I vant zis to end here und now, for good, und for all eternity! I attack you, you capture my. I attack you, und you live to see another day. I attack you, und 99 reshcues you! I can't take it anymore! I can'tIcan'tIcan't, I tell you! Zo...ve all die here und now, together as one big unhappy shpy family...or you let me kill you und I save everyone elze aboard zis ship."

"Well, that's not very fair!" Smart frowned.

"Why ever not?"

"I still have four payments left on my car! I'm this close to owning it, after all the car chases, gun fights, and stake-outs I've made while driving it! I owe Larabee five bucks for losing our bet on the World Series! My mother is expecting me to call her tonight promptly at 9:35 pm! It's part of our agreement! I have plans, things I need to do and tell 99 that I love her and countries to see and places to go and movies to watch and-"

Bug-eyed and surprised, Siegfried stared at his old enemy and exclaimed, "_You love 99?"_

"Ninety-nine what? What's he talking about, El Breathario?"

The villain replied, "You said something about being in love with Agent 99."

"I did no such thing!" Max replied, indignant.

"You did, Max," a voice replied demurely from behind him and Siegfried. Everyone looked that way and found 99 smiling back at them, a silly big grin across Starker's features, too.

"Ja! I heard it, too, Maxy Shmart Eighty-Six! Vhat a whoosie-puppy! Zaying he love girly-girl! Wooo! I am Maxy Shmart and I am lovey-dovey-kiss-kiss-kiss!"

"Shtarker! Ve are KAOS! Ve do _NOT...UNDER_ _ANY CIRCUMSHTANCES_ zay, 'lovey-dovey-kiss-kiss-kiss!' _Everrr!"_

Starker's face fell, thinking Siegfried would approve of such taunting, but it wasn't to be.

"99! How did you escape?" Max wondered, rushing over to her.

"Luckily, El Breathario didn't search me thoroughly enough to notice I was wearing nitro-glycerine eye shadow. I just wiped it off and smeared it on the lock and five seconds later, boom! Starker and I were free. Max; while we were locked up, Starker told me some of the most fascinating things! Do you realize how devious and dangerous he really is? We've judged him wrong all this time! In fact, he almost destroyed civilization as we know it, thanks to him inventing the Metric system-"

"For zee last time! _ I invented Metric!_ I did! I didIdidIdid! I have proooof!" Siegfried shouted, stomping his feet.

"I'm just glad you're safe, 99."

"And so am I, Max...otherwise I wouldn't have heard what you said just now!"

86 blushed and tried not to smile too much, now that 99 knew how he felt about her, so he forced himself to focus on the situation at hand. "We'll have time to...talk...about all that later, 99. Provided we don't hit the bottom of the sea. The ship has no crew, and dopey over there in the Conquistador costume doesn't know a thing about submarines!"

"It's not a costume! These are my real street clothes that I wear in public all the time!" El Breathario snapped, insulted.

"Nein, nein!" Siegfried growled, stepping forward. "Ve vere just in zee middle of an agreement, Agent 99. Maxvell Shmart's life for my skill in taking control of zis submarine! If Shmart lives, ve all die! Und zen he dies, just not by my own hand! Zo, to clarify, Shmart lives, ve all die zen he dies, Shmart dies, ve all live und Shmart shtays dead. Clear?"

"Er, Siegfried-" Starker said, pointing at 99, who was aiming her gun at the KAOS agent.

"Vhat? Vhat? Zat gun is empty! No bulletszee! 86 und I were bluffing vith our guns, because there is no ammunition on board!" 99 fired her gun once, shattering a lantern hanging overhead Siegfried's head. He ducked, and stared wide-eyed and cowered by shock. "Oh, okay. I zee you found a bit off ammunition!"

And if they thought there was going to be fire fight, they would sadly be mistaking. Leaning against his periscope, El Breathario was alone, unprotected, the control room devoid of any crew.

"Hold it right there, El Breathario!" Max shouted out, prompting Siegfried to groan and elbow him in his arm

"Vhy did you have to threaten him? Threatening is _my_ business! I should have warned him not to move!"

"Sorry about that, Siegfried," Max shrugged. "Maybe we should have flipped a coin to become spokesman?"

"Vhat do ve need a coin for, vhen threatening comes zo naturally to KAOS agents?"

"Hm. Yer right. Next time, then!"

"Oy. Very well. Now, listen, El Breathario, I'm varning you not to-"

"I haven't moved since Smart warned me not to," El Breathario complained. "You don't need to tell me twice!"

Siegfried slapped his sides again, and looked down at Smart, moaning, "You see? You see? Und now the moment is gone, und vhatever I have to say-"

"Never mind that! Ask him about 99 and Starker!

"Vhere is Shtar-"

"Not to mention where the crew is?"

"Zo, vhere is Shtark-"

"And even Vejiga Del Mono Revenge of the Monkey Bladder, who doesn't seem to be present."

"Ja!" Siegfried cleared his throat, looked at El Breathario, and said, "Vhat he said!"

"99 and Starker are still locked up, thanks to my knife-in-the-back so-called 'ally, the Revenger! And he left because my crew mutinied! Imagine that? I, the great El Breathario, and my crew has jumped ship!"

"Why? What made them leave?"

El Breathario shrugged, and kicked an imaginary stone across the deck as he answered, "Their pay checks bounced. I was going to pay them, honest! Unfortunately, I got ahead of myself, and thought I could pay them using the money I was going to steal from Fort Knox, using this submarine!"

Max thought about that and said in a confused tone, "But Fort Knox is in Kentucky, and nowhere near any body of water! And you wanted to attack it with a submarine?"

El Breathario crossed his arms, his feelings obviously hurt. "And if it weren't for Mendez knowing that little fact...and Lockwood...and the Ogilvy twins...and my secretary, Bobo...well, I could have broken in, stolen the gold, paid them with it, and gone on to see my plans for global domination come to fruition! Unfortunately, one by one they began to mutiny, and I was unable to make them follow my orders as I commanded! They hid all the guns and turned the torpedoes into decorative furniture pieces in the rec room, and even swiped my command chair! But I outwitted them, and was still able to issue commands while standing!"

Siegfried looked at Smart, and murmured, "I vill make a deal with you, Shmart; let him join CONTROL und I vill let you live!"

"Nothing doing! He's all yours and KAOS's! I'm positive the Chief won't want him on our side! So 'fes up, El Breathario; where's 99?"

"Und Shtarker! He und I have alot to discuss! Especially that claim that _he_ invented Metric!"

"It doesn't matter, gentlemen. You see, without a crew on board, this sub is now gradually sinking to the bottom of the Atlantic. I have no crew aboard to monitor the engines or the ballast tanks or any of that sailor stuff."

"You're in command of a submarine and you don't even know how it works?" Smart asked, incredulous.

"Hey! Your El Presidente is in command, but he doesn't know everything about his government!"

"He's got zat right," Siegfried consented.

"Nevertheless, there must be some stuff around here that you know how to work? I mean, come-ooon! You put yourself in a sub and you have no clue as to how it works? Not to mention the part about not getting very close to Fort Knox?"

"I know how to work the espresso maker! Would you like a cup as we sink to the murky depths and die a long, arduous death as we suffocate?" El Breathario asked, nonchalantly.

"I'll pass. It looks like it's up to you and me, Siegfried. I don't suppose you've watched enough episodes of _'Voyage To The Bottom_ _Of The Sea'_ to think of a way to save us?"

"I might...have a trick or two uppen my sleeve."

"Great!"

"But you have to die first!"

"Not so great! What're you talking about, Siegfried?"

"Shmart, I vant zis to end here und now, for good, und for all eternity! I attack you, you capture my. I attack you, und you live to see another day. I attack you, und 99 reshcues you! I can't take it anymore! I can'tIcan'tIcan't, I tell you! Zo...ve all die here und now, together as one big unhappy shpy family...or you let me kill you und I save everyone elze aboard zis ship."

"Well, that's not very fair!" Smart frowned.

"Why ever not?"

"I still have four payments left on my car! I'm this close to owning it, after all the car chases, gun fights, and stake-outs I've made while driving it! I owe Larabee five bucks for losing our bet on the World Series! My mother is expecting me to call her tonight promptly at 9:35 pm! It's part of our agreement! I have plans, things I need to do and tell 99 that I love her and countries to see and places to go and movies to watch and-"

Bug-eyed and surprised, Siegfried stared at his old enemy and exclaimed, "_You love 99?"_

"Ninety-nine what? What's he talking about, El Breathario?"

The villain replied, "You said something about being in love with Agent 99."

"I did no such thing!" Max replied, indignant.

"You did, Max," a voice replied demurely from behind him and Siegfried. Everyone looked that way and found 99 smiling back at them, a silly big grin across Starker's features, too.

"Ja! I heard it, too, Maxy Shmart Eighty-Six! Vhat a whoosie-puppy! Zaying he love girly-girl! Wooo! I am Maxy Shmart and I am lovey-dovey-kiss-kiss-kiss!"

"Shtarker! Ve are KAOS! Ve do _NOT...UNDER_ _ANY CIRCUMSHTANCES_ zay, 'lovey-dovey-kiss-kiss-kiss!' _Everrr!"_

Starker's face fell, thinking Siegfried would approve of such taunting, but it wasn't to be.

"99! How did you escape?" Max wondered, rushing over to her.

"Luckily, El Breathario didn't search me thoroughly enough to notice I was wearing nitro-glycerine eye shadow. I just wiped it off and smeared it on the lock and five seconds later, boom! Starker and I were free. Max; while we were locked up, Starker told me some of the most fascinating things! Do you realize how devious and dangerous he really is? We've judged him wrong all this time! In fact, he almost destroyed civilization as we know it, thanks to him inventing the Metric system-"

"For zee last time! _ I invented Metric!_ I did! I didIdidIdid! I have proooof!" Siegfried shouted, stomping his feet.

"I'm just glad you're safe, 99."

"And so am I, Max...otherwise I wouldn't have heard what you said just now!"

86 blushed and tried not to smile too much, now that 99 knew how he felt about her, so he forced himself to focus on the situation at hand. "We'll have time to...talk...about all that later, 99. Provided we don't hit the bottom of the sea. The ship has no crew, and dopey over there in the Conquistador costume doesn't know a thing about submarines!"

"It's not a costume! These are my real street clothes that I wear in public all the time!" El Breathario snapped, insulted.

"Nein, nein!" Siegfried growled, stepping forward. "Ve vere just in zee middle of an agreement, Agent 99. Maxvell Shmart's life for my skill in taking control of zis submarine! If Shmart lives, ve all die! Und zen he dies, just not by my own hand! Zo, to clarify, Shmart lives, ve all die zen he dies, Shmart dies, ve all live und Shmart shtays dead. Clear?"

"Er, Siegfried-" Starker said, pointing at 99, who was aiming her gun at the KAOS agent.

"Vhat? Vhat? Zat gun is empty! No bulletszee! 86 und I were bluffing vith our guns, because there is no ammunition on board!" 99 fired her gun once, shattering a lantern hanging overhead Siegfried's head. He ducked, and stared wide-eyed and cowered by shock. "Oh, okay. I zee you found a bit oof ammunition!"  
"Great work, 99! Okay, Siegfried, hop to it! Get this sub back on the surface and into an American port."

Siegfried hesitated, then stood tall, and crossed his arms. "Nein. Kill me. Either vay I shall die...und so vill Shmart!"

Max rolled his eyes in frustration sighing, "Back to that again, are we? Look, Siegfried, there might be a million buttons on these control panels, and we might be sinking at a rate of 30 feet per second, with a downward bubble angle of 11 degrees, and the ballast tanks on the aft section might be malfunctioning, in turn slowing our descent, and the radar might be showing an oncoming obstruction at 1200 yards, and the sonar is showing a trio of ships overhead on an interception course matching and surpassing our present speed of 15 knots, but that's no reason to be a suck about it!"

"Max! What did you just say?" 99 exclaimed, excitedly.

"I called Siegfried a 'suck'."

"No, no! Before that! All that terminology! Max, if you don't know anything about submarines, then how did you know what all this instrumentation says?"

"It's very simple, 99. My eagle-eye observational skills was able to deduce the logical construction and outlay of all of these control panels from a shipyard point of view, realizing with in depth clarity where each and every one of those vital pieces of equipment should be placed within the control room and it's unique function!"

"That's fantastic, Max!"

"Yes. And the bits of masking tape with the names of the control panels stuck over top of the panels kinda gave it away, too!"

99, Siegfried, and Starker all leaned in, and saw numerous pieces of tape placed above or on top of the control panels, each identifying a specific piece of equipment.

"You mishpelled 'sonar'!" Siegfried noticed.

"What do you want from me? Before I became 'El Breathario' I was a parking lot attendant in Tijuana!"

With their mission completed, all that was left for 86 and 99 was to be debriefed by the Chief. However, there was an unusual delay in their round-up meeting. For the past half hour, the two secret agents had sat in the outer office, namely Larabee's office, and hadn't been called into the Chief's room. In fact, they hadn't even seen Larabee, himself, which was only a small relief to 99, as he had recently shown an interest in 99, which she was, unfortunately, unable to reciprocate, already having feelings for Max.

And speaking of which...

She batted her eyes, and smiled that knowing smile at him, which made him cross his legs back and forth in discomfort, and tug at his collar, a pale blush threatening to become a full-blown reddish hue.

"Max? Since, we're alone here, don't you want to...talk about something?"

"Oh, uh. okay, 99, sure. yes. Eehh...how about those Yankees?"

"Max..."

"How about those Jets? Those Rangers? Those kids playing ball hockey at the corner of Knickerbocker and Jefferson?"

"Max...I'm talking about what you said on the sub...about me."

"Oh, yes. Well, 99, you see, in moments of stress a man says things that...that are..." Max stuttered, trying to throw her off her train of thought, but those pretty brown eyes, and those long, curled, fluttering eyelashes melted his heart, and he found himself saying, "...that are true."

"The feeling's mutual, Max," she assured him, demurely, resting a hand on his.

"I hate it when I blush," he told her.

"You're not blushing, Max."

"Oh. Good." It's really embarrassing."

_"Now_ you're blushing!"

"Damn."

"Should we tell the Chief about this, Max?"

He patted her hand and removed his as he became all business. "What the Chief doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, in here, we should be all business, or else one of us will be transferred to the CONTROL office in Outer Mongolia or the CONTROL mail room in Antarctica, and I think we both know which one of us would wind up there! Besides...how can we go out to dinner if we're not even on the same continent, let alone the same time zone?"

99 nodded, and forced herself to get her mind back on track. "Max, do you suppose the Chief is in his office? He's been complaining about the stress of work recently, and...well, suppose he's passed out or something in there and can't reach the phone?"

"Good thinking, 99! Now that you mention it, nine times out of ten when the Chief and I are alone in his office, he gets a migraine or his heart begins to race, he sweats profusely, and his hands shake! I've never seen anything like it! Except in college, when my science professor-"

"Maybe we should buzz his door, then?" 99 suggested.

Max did so, then pressed the hidden buzzer which would only be heard within the Chief's office, but there was no answer. Without knowing what the secret code to unlock the office was, Max knew he would have to take drastic measures. Ushering 99 over to the far side of the office, he opened the outer door to the hallway, went outside, got a running start, and ran full throttle into the door.

"Ugh. What happened?" Max groaned.

"You ran into the Chief's solid steel door, Max. You've been unconscious for the past three minutes...and there's still no sign of the Chief!"

"Okay, we'll just have to take even more drastic measures. 99."

Max fumbled through Larabee's desk, finally showing his happiness at finding...a stapler.

"What good is that, Max?"

"Watch and learn, 99!" Max announced, flipping open the stapler, aiming it at the lock, and then slapping the pad on top several times to embed several staples into the outer-wood paneling of the steel door. He stood back, noticed her confusion, and pointed at the door, which promptly began to freeze over, as if sprayed with an ice gun. "Larabee told me about this stapler, which is not a stapler."

"What could he possibly need a freezing-stapler for?" she wondered.

"Beats me. But whatever you do, don't touch his Rolodex! It turns into a miniature lawn mower! Okay, the door looks like it's suitably frozen. Stand back!"

Max picked up Larabee's chair, and threw it with all his strength into the Chief's frozen door, which promptly shattered into a million pieces of ultra-frozen metal. 86 and 99 advanced into the Chief's office, and found a startled Chief and Larabee beneath the Cone of Silence. The Chief was speaking, but surprisingly, this time there was no sound coming from it at all! Not even the slightest echo or vibration.

"99! The Chief and Larabee are trapped inside the Cone of Silence! That's why we haven't seen either one- neither of them could call for help!"

"Oh, Max, you've got to help them! Use the stapler-freezer again!"

"Er, actually, it's only good for one use...and 400 pieces of paper. But, don't worry- I'll just use Larabee's chair to crack open the Cone!"

Larabee and the Chief ducked and covered their heads inside their prospective Cone compartments, and appeared to be shouting at Max, but the CONTROL agent was relentless with the office chair, finally making a crack along the entire left side, which finally spider-webbed throughout the Cone, breaking into dozens of handfuls of glass, freeing the Chief and Larabee. The ceiling gave way slightly, too, dust and wires falling to the Chief's desk, small electrical charges sputtering from the ceiling connections where the Cone used to be connected to.

"You're safe now, Chief!" Max assured. "Too bad about the Cone of Silence, but you can always build another one. Look, 99! This is what I was talking about earlier- the Chief's hands are shaking and he's got another sudden migraine!"

"MAX! I was trying to tell you that you didn't have to attack us!" the Chief shouted, his shaking hands nervously wiping glass shards off of his suit.

"But, I couldn't hear you, Chief! The Cone of Silence must have been malfunctioning!"

"WHAT?" Larabee asked, poking his fingers in his ears, trying to get rid of the ringing inside them.

"It was_ not_ malfunctioning, Max! In fact that was the _new _ Cone of Silence, and thanks to you, you've utterly destroyed it!"

"Oh. Sorry about that, Chief. Well, I guess the Tech guys will just have to re-install the old one!"

"Over my dead body!"

"Well, anyway, we were worried about you! 99 and I have been next door waiting to be debriefed about our mission, and-"

"El Breathario is locked up, Siegfried is in custody, the Revenger has re-named himself 'Doctor Soup' and is back underground, and Starker is now Prime Minister of the Netherlands! Now get out!"

"WHAT'S THAT, CHIEF?" Larabee shouted.

"And take poor Larabee with you, and get him down to the CONTROL medical ward to fix his hearing or something! Just go!"

"Right, Chief. You better take care of yourself, too, Chief- you're sweating profusely and you face is all red!"

"Out!"

86 and 99 escorted Larabee out of the office, allowing the Chief to fumble around his own desk for an aspirin or his blood pressure medication, but he couldn't find any. Sweeping as much of the shattered Cone of Silence glass off of his desk, the Chief went next door to Larabee's desk and sat down with a moan. He was getting too old for this! Sometimes he thought Max was actually a KAOS double-agent, sent to wreak havoc on their side, but he supposed 86's heart was in the right place- he _had_ tried to save his life, thinking he was trapped, for the fifty-ninth time, under the Cone. He rummaged through his assistant's desk for any useful medication, but only found stacks of photos of agent 99. Hm. He might have to have a talk with Larabee about that! The Chief sat back in the chair with a sigh, and surveyed his assistant's desk.

"Maybe I'll check his Rolodex for the name of a doctor I can go so," he murmured to himself.

Seconds later, 86, 99, and Larabee looked up towards the ceiling inside their elevator with surprise, prompting Larabee to say, "Now _that _I heard!"

#####


End file.
